Diary of an Autistic Boy

Weather Changes

2011-07-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

When the weather changes, so do my moods. I especially get very uncomfortable when there is a lot of pollen in the air. At that time i do not want to venture out so much. But i like going to the beach in summer. So when i act up due to the weather changes, please remind me that summer is coming and i will go to the beach.

Appreciate my efforts

2010-12-22T19:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
I know that i do not meet many of your expectations. I try hard to be a good boy, even though it is not easy. I get frustrated very easily, especially because i do not know why i am different from every one else. People treat me differently many times.
But one thing i really like is to be appreciated when i do something good. Even little good things. Like folding my clothes, or brushing my teeth. It may not mean much to you, but it means a lot to me. I need to hear "Nice job, Pete." Or just thumbs up. And please do it genuinely, because i can read your emotions when you appreciate me, i can tell when you mean it and when you are just saying it with your lips.
I need appreciation because i do not know when i do something good, and this is because many times people tell me i have done something wrong, or i did not meet their expectations, so in those moments when i do something good, just let me know by saying it. It makes my moment to know that i have accomplished something.

Trust me, do not fear me

2010-12-17T07:40:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,
I know that i behave differently from boys my age. Sometimes i make sounds that people may not like. I make them because i have no other language. I have tried hard to be silent. But the world is also very noisy. I am only saying, "I am here, can you hear me?"
But now i am happy my mom got me a new talking toy. She has taught me to press a button and it talks on my behalf. When i need food, i touch the food button. When i have a stomach ache, i touch the "stomach ache button." I hope that this new speaking toy will help me to be understood.
I do not like it when people point at me and make comments about me. At times people sit far from me. I like everyone, i only hope to be a friend. I may be a little difficult at times, but i am still human. Say hi to me and smile when i smile. I can do many things that some people think i cannot. I only need to be given enough time to complete a task. But people seems to be in a hurry and lack patience with me. So i let them do stuff for me, even though i know i can. Trust me.

Order

2010-12-10T07:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
The world is amazing. Every thing is in order, i see trees lined up in the forest, birds fly in a line, houses are built in a line, even vehicles move in one direction. I do not know what the world would look like if there was no order.
And that is why i also like everything around me to be in order. I hate it when i find something is out of the line. I try hard to fix whatever i find in the house that is not in order. I have been called Mr. Fixer, i don't mind, so long as i am putting things in order. When i was young, i could have a tantrum when mum said to leave everything where is was. But now she understands me, and our house is the most orderly place in the world. I like it that way.

Am over here

2010-12-07T08:38:00.000-08:00

I have to say this now that i have a forum to express my frustrations. I HATE it when people speak about me as if i am not there. Let me tell you something you might find unsettling; I can hear all that you say about me. I can read your face when you speak to me. I can tell when you are genuine and when you offer a fake smile. The fact that i cannot talk back to you does not mean i do not hear!
"He is so cute"
"He is probably retard"
"He was born like that"
"How old is he?"
and on and on they speak about me in my hearing.
And please, DO NOT SHOUT AT ME!
I can hear you very clearly, just speak plainly, avoid ambiguity, use simple words and phrases, and i will appreciate.
But remember, i am not deaf, i am not blind, i am not dumb, i am just me

We are many

2010-12-06T08:01:00.000-08:00

Today i overheard my mother expressing her worries. She was saying that more and more babies are now born who have a similar condition like mine. No wonder in my school we are so many. I have seen other kids who can bite themselves, others hit their heads on the concrete wall. Ouch! it must be painful. But if we are this many, why do i still get those strange looks in the community? I am tired of being the object of curiosity. Even though i have autism, i need to be loved, not feared. When i utter "Hi" to strangers, its only because i want to connect with you, because you complete my world. It is also one of the few words that comes out of my mouth. Otherwise i speak a lot, in my heart.

The sounds i hear

2010-12-02T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today i went with my dad to the dentist for a check up. I like going to the dentist's office. What with the treats i get and the nice looking receptionist who always calls me sweet pie. I think i will be a dentist when i grow up.
The only thing that bothered me today was the noises. I think other people do not hear the noises, because they do not look bothered. And the noise comes from the ceiling of many buildings. And they are so vivid, and bothersome. Last time i tried to check and see where the noises come from. I think it is from the light bulbs. They make such a loud noise, my ears hurt.
That is why i cover my ears with my fingers every time i enter a new building. Every one tells me to uncover my ears. But do you think i want to? I know i look awkward when i am covering my ears.
But the noise is unbearable
Maybe my ears are too sensitive
Or maybe the world is too noisy
Can somebody reduce the noise please!

This little light of mine

2010-12-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

I cannot do so many things like my younger brother. I do not know how he does it, like tying shoes. For me, it looks so difficult. Every time i promise myself i will do the first knot. But when i bend to start, i see the ground so near my eyes, i sometimes think i will hit the ground as i tie my shoe. So i look the other way, not my shoe. I can hear mom shouting, "Pete, focus." I try to tell her i am doing my best, but only tears flow down my heart. For you see, i learnt long time ago not to shed tears with my eyes. Now i cry with my heart.
I know everyone expects me to have learnt how to tie my shoe laces. I am a big boy now, as everyone keeps telling me. My best moment is when i play the piano. Last evening at the party, everyone was so happy when i played a difficult song. I was so happy. I almost cried real tears. But i remembered i am a big boy, so i cried with my heart, tears of joy.
It is in moments like this, when i say "This little light of mine, am gonna let it shine," even though i cannot tie my shoes.

Why Me?

2010-11-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

Today i had time to think. I looked all over the shopping mall. Everyone seemed exited by the displays on the windows. The products looked so enticing. I wanted to buy the little dalmatian toy. But my mother said i could not have it. She said i am a big boy now. That big boys to don't play with small boys toys. I cannot talk back to my mother. Or to anyone for that matter. At least not using their language. My language is not understood by anyone. Because i speak silently. My mind forms words, but my mouth refuses to utter them. I try shouting, but nothing comes out of my mouth.
I can see other people conversing loudly. They seem so happy, so i join in the laughter, only for my mom to tell me to be quiet. That i should not laugh without reason. "But everyone seems happy mom." I try to tell her. But she has gone back to her world. She is talking on her phone, with her boyfriend. And i am so frustrated. I do not know why in moments like this i start twirling my hair. Before my mom turns my way, i am holding some strands of my hair. And some blood is on my finger. It is painful. But i would rather feel pain than be ignored by everyone. And why is everyone looking at me that way?
Why are they all looking at me? Why me? What is so different about me?